


Promise to do better

by LynLi



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Cassie deserves the world !, Different placing, Drug Addiction, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:54:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26647864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LynLi/pseuds/LynLi
Summary: After S1 final, drunken Lexi comes stumbling into Rue's room, before she can take her happy pills.
Relationships: Cassie Howard/Original Male Character, Rue Bennett & Lexi Howard, Rue Bennett/Lexi Howard
Comments: 9
Kudos: 45





	1. Flushed and forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> So few changes, before you start >  
> Setting is in Chicago, cause I said so. XD  
> Cassie is given new love interest cause no one there deserves her

"Fucking Jules. Fucking emotions, fucking city!" I screamed at the empty station, looking towards direction, my only light in life so casually left me. Tears were still breaking thru my eyelids even I tried constantly put up a fight against them. I couldn't stop shaking, yet I wasn't even cold. December weather was at it's full swing, yet I was burning up from inside. I guess that is what love does to you. It took me a good while to realize the train wasn't turning back and another complete breakdown, just to move me from the station and begin my way home. I could barely see the path I was taking, my vison blurred by tears. Not once did I slipped on icy road and ended up on a hard concrete. Yet again, pain just wasn't there.  
I only recognized my own house, by spotting my moms car. I don't know why, but that's like only thing I ever look out for.  
She was probably asleep by now, along with Gia. However, as soon as I would step across doorway, I knew one of them would eventually wake up. So bedroom window was only way to get in.  
There was one thing that could help me now and my eyes were already focused on it, ever since I stood in front of my house. Although I couldn't actually see it just yet, I knew it was there, waiting for me. Unlike someone I know.

I peaked into the bathroom, scared to even touch it. Millions thought ran thru my mind as I picked up the hidden stash of oxy's. They looked so luring, like warm summer rain.  
Then again, a part of me saw them for who they truly were. A poison. Not just of my body and mind, but for my family, relationships and future. I sat down on a bathroom floor, leaning against the wall. Why was it so hard to make this decision. I came home with one intention only and now I was strolling.  
A picture of my mom came blinking in my vision, as I held single pill in between my fingers. She was crying, yet her eyes were almost piercing thru me with so much disappointment, I could barely move. It appears I was never able to make her smile.  
The toilet was right in front of me, with a seat opened.  
"I wonder if I.." Without much thinking, I threw the pill against the plastic deck, watching it bounce off and hit the water.  
Breath for stuck in my throat for so long, as if I drowned myself. I rocketed from my seat to look at the damage, but there was no way it was eatable now.  
Looking into the small plastic container, there was still plenty to go around. My mind clamed down and I retook my previous position.  
"What now?" Silently I counted down every little pill. Reflecting on recent even, the small rush of adrenalin as pill disappeared in front of my eyes settled in my mind, and I immediately craved it.  
Just like the last time, I tossed single pill to depths of my toilet, followed by same freaked out movement. I can't believe how pathetic I looked then. I didn't toss any more, but settled container it self on slippery toilet seat, leaving it opened.  
Carefully, I sat back down as if one wrong movement would dispose of my precious treasure.  
I watched it constantly with mind completely blank of thoughts, yet full of need. I could just reach and have it all, one simple movement and I would be free. Slowly but surly I begun to budge from the wall. At first my back slowly parted, leaning against my knees. However, before getting any further, a sudden bang interrupted me.

"Oh, for Christ's sake," a angary murmur echoed from my room as something heavily hit the floor. It didn't sound like metal, wood or glass. I recognized the sound perfectly, knowing too fucking well how fallen body sounds. Another painful groan rang out and I rocketed from the floor.  
 _"Was I being robbed?"_ I remembered I left the window opened, which was quite stupid of me, but with the state I was in, I couldn't worry less. Rushing pass the toilet, I heard another drop, this time of something lighter, hitting surface of water.  
"Oh no," I almost screamed out, however keeping my voice to a minimal. "Fuck no," I was ready to reach for it, but the water was sinking in. Dumbfoundedly I watch container take on more water. I felt like crying was in order, yet for some reason, I all I could do was blink couple of times. As I heard another groan, I begun to investigate, what exactly was this disturbance causing me drop my poisonous candy.  
Walking into my room, the window above my bed was indeed wide opened with body lying underneath my bed.  
"Lexi?" I recognized her dress from miles away. "What the hell are you doing here?" Kneeling next to dead-like body, I gently removed hair from her face, watching Lexi struggle to breath. "Come on cutie," I picked her up, throwing her arm around my shoulder. I helped her drop off her coat since it was drained with melting snow, leaving her only in navy blue dress. Her fingers and lips started to turn blue while her nose burned with red.

"Just follow my breathing, key" I couldn't believe what I was saying; my breath was nowhere near stable. I can't imagine how cold she must have been, yet getting blanket was second priority now.

"Rue?" As we step into the bathroom, Lexi's arm gripped me somewhat tighter and she quickly pressed herself against me, her free hand joining the second. "I'm so glad, you are here."

Oh boy she was drunk. "Yeah, well it's my home, Lexi," I talked slowly, nodding . "Now, how about we sit you down, next to this toilet and I will go find you something to suppress headache that's coming next morning."

"Oh, so someone else is coming?" her gaze dropped.

All I could do was laugh. "No, it's just us. Sounds good?"

"Much better. Anyway, I came to say something.." she forgot, biting her lips childishly." Oh, yeah. I came to say, I love you and you deserve better then Jules. Or me, or anyone else!" She declared.

One of my brows rose unexpectedly. At first I didn't understand, but slowly her words begun to sink into her thick skull. How did Lexi even come up with this?

"Fuck no. Better then you? I mean, even Santa wouldn't deserve you." I joked.

"Never mind him, you're all I need," she leaned against my torso, her head settling in crook of my neck. Suddenly, I begun to feel like she wasn't talking about our friendship no more. Or what she in the first place. 

I screamed in my own head. _"Oh, no. Lexi Howards has a crush on me. Since when?_ _Why me of all people._ " I pushed to thought aside, unable to process it at the moment.

Ever since I meat Lexi, I've never dared to look at her in that way. I mean it was Lexi. Smart, cute, beautiful and innocent Lexi. Nothing for filthy and vulgar hands like mine. 

"Kiss me already," she whispered. 

"Truly alluring idea, but I don't think I can be that bold," I lied, knowing it would easily work on drunken Lexi. "How about we leave the kissing for later and take care of you first? Come on sit down."

"You promise?" 

"Promise. Now, let me tie your hair, in case you get sick." As a que, I watched her chest rise aggressively. As quickly as I could, I turned Lexi towards right direction, before any of it hit me. "Good, let it all out." 

And she did. For a few minutes actually, while I massaged small circles on her exposed back. I guess me and Lexi were in for hell of a talk tomorrow morning. Honestly I didn't know what was I suppose to tell her. I didn't wish to break her heart, nether did I wanted to break her heart if you know what I mean. But, no matter what the fuck I would tell her, the outcome would be the same. Sooner or later I was bound to hurt her.

"I bet you didn't imagine your night like this," Lexi murmured after a while, finally able to breath freely. "I must look super gross right now." 

"To be totally honest, my night sucked at first, but it's starting to turn around," I smiled, sitting across Lexi, watching her hide her head between her hands. "As for you missy. Have you seen me throw up? Compared to that mess, you look like thousand bucks." 

Not more then two minutes passed when Lexi's hand no longer fixate her head, letting it crack against the seat.

"Fuck," I murmured, realizing I must have spaced out. Although the hit looked quite hurtful, Lexi had no problem dozing off. Of course I wasn't there to leave her sleep next to the toilet. In full honesty if it was some random girl at the party I would probably just laugh and leave it be, but this was Lexi for god's sake. Girl that just confessed her feeling for me. 

"Come on Lexi, hold on tight!" I squatted down, offering her piggy ride. I was sure my weak spine would break after second step. However, hardest part was yet to come. Girl had a grip like professional rock climber, making it impossible to get loose. Thankfully, Lexi was slowly dozing off, giving me few seconds to escape. 

"Rue, why is it so cold in here?" 

"Cause someone let the window open," I smirked, closing it. Some of the snow already flew in, soaking bits of my pillows. "Damn it." Actually I was pretty glad I let it open. Who knows what would happen if Lexi didn't get in and I stayed alone with my pills. 

_"MY PILLS"_ Sudden urge griped me to go see if there were any left, but I knew better. The whole container fell into the toilet and even if some could have been saved and dried, they definitely didn't survive Lexi's previous diner. In past few minutes I flashed the toilet so may times, they must have been all the way to another suburbs by now. Surge of happiness gripped me abruptly. Like when you jump out of plane, praying for parachute to open. And then it does and everything is fine. The danger is gone and all you're left with is beautiful view. 

_"The pills are gone. There are no more drugs."_ It was as if giant chains fell from my wrist and ankles and I was free. There was still dash of anxiety and desire, but it barely made any impact. Quite on the contrary, cause all I was worried about now, was finding the extra blankets and hopefully some clothes for shivering Lexi. 

Before she completely drifted to sleep, I made her drink some water and already prepared the miracle hang-over pill along with emergency bucket.

"One more minute, honey. Stand still," I slowly unzipped her dress, letting it fall down her figure. Quickly I pulled long shirt over her head. It took second to get her tangled inside, while Lexi only childishly giggled. However, once she descended into pillows, her voice dimmed and she fell asleep. I helped her under covers and even brought extra blanket, knowing too well Lexi couldn't handle cold weather. 

I decided it was for the best to leave her sleep alone, even if my bed was large enough for two. Letting the door somewhat opened I dropped onto a couch finally getting some rest myself. However, sleep didn't come so easily. Instead all the monsters in my closet came knocking. From addiction to woman that left me freezing on a station not more then two hours ago. Jules. Where was she? What was she doing? Conflict in pit of my stomach was still outraging until I started to circle around my own home, time to time peaking to check on Lexi.

Thank god for Lexi. Even her sheer presence made me forsake my self-conflict at least for a second. She was spread all over the mattress, her hair covering most of her face. Her snored like a old man who just fell asleep while watching football, beer still in his hand, it almost made me laugh. Seeing drunken Lexi was as common as seeing me in formal clothes. It happened occasionally, but soon everyone wished things would go back to normal. So as much as I loved seeing Lexi hammered and jabbering about how I deserve better, I couldn't wait to see the original version, telling me when I was being an idiot. 


	2. Part 2

When I drifted to sleep that night, the clock already pointed on five'o clock and I didn't get much sleep after that mom woke up. Unknown on my presence, she sleeplessly stumbled into the kitchen making herself coffee.  
"Can I get one of those," I rose like a mummy.  
"Jesus Christ, Rue!" she almost dropped her cup. Thankfully it was still empty. "What the hell are you doing here this early? I heard you come home yesterday along what I assume was Jules. So why are you sleeping here?"  
"It's Lexi actually. She drank little too much yesterday so I let her crash here." I explained, hoping to avoid further questioning.  
"I see," she nodded. "Well, how was yesterday and where is Jules."  
There it was. Where the hell is Jules indeed. I only shrugged, proceeded to sit on one of the stools. "We split up after the party. I think she had something else to attend to." From tone of my voice and obvious lack of interest to talk about Jules, mom quickly picked up. "Anyway, are you going to work already?"  
"Yes, will you three be alright," she pointed into the hall. I almost forgot Gia was home. I simply nodded. After all, who knew better how to handle hungover if not me.  
Mom left few minutes after, leaving me with cup of coffee. In the next hour, Gia also woke up. She didn't question me like mom did, just made a sandwich and disappeared into her room. I informed her Lexi was sleeping in my room and that she should stay quite. I seated myself back on a couch, with bowl of cereals, watching some crime channel.  
It was past noon when, door to my room finally opened.  
"Rue?" weak voice called out, rounding the living room.  
"Oh hey," I smiled towards her way, waving her good morning. Or better said afternoon.  
"How did hell did I get here," she sat down in arm chair, blanket from last night still throwed around her shoulders. "I don't remember coming here at all. What happened?"  
Well shit. Butterflies circling in my stomach started to disappear as I realized the talk I was dreading all night, might not even come. "Well, so summon it up, you fell threw my window, bounced off the bed and crashed on the floor, then you throw up for good ten minutes and then you fell asleep." I guess she didn't need to know the details.  
She looked at me like I was crazy, but only let out a long sigh. "I fell like shit," she murmured holding onto her forehead.  
"Did you drink the pill I left you?"  
"Yeah, thanks by the way. For everything last night, although I might not remember it."  
"Don't sweat it man. If you want shower or anything, go ahead. Also your dress and purse are on my chair."  
"Shower would be appropriate right now," she nodded, slowly getting up. "May I borrow some pants as well, I am kinda freezing."  
"Sure, come on," I nodded, almost forgetting aside from that long shirt, Lexi was only in her underwear. It didn't take long to find some warm sweatpants, although they were bit too long. "Would you like something to eat."  
"You can cook?"  
I almost laughed. "No. But Gia's home. I'm gonna make her do something, or we can always order."  
"Thanks. I will eat anything right now."  
Lexi disappeared into the bathroom, while I took care of the rest. By the time she got out, spaghettis was almost cooked along with bought sauce.  
"Hi, Gia," she walked awkwardly, sitting joining be behind the table.  
"I heard you had a quite the night yesterday," younger sibling teased.  
"Don't remind me. I hope I didn't do anything stupid." She threw the sentence my way, but I didn't dare to reveal anything else. That would a be a fucking suicide.

Lexi ate her plate like it was suppose to be her last meal. By now, I checked my phone at least twenty times, awaiting message from Jules. Yet all if received was text from Cassie, asking about whereabouts of her younger sister.

"Hey, Cassie was asking about you earlier, so I told her you crashed here."

"I should probably call her," Lexi rose from her seat second after. While she was searching for her phone in my room, I turned the tv on again. I could only hear her muttered words, before the call ended. "She coming to pick me up, so you won't have to baby sit me."

"Oh, but I like baby-sitting you." I spread my arms, inviting Lexi to sit beside me. After acquiring certain piece of information, I realized Lexi might feel bit awkward with my frequent jokes and physical contact. However, more then anything I wanted to save our friendship. 

She slowly set down, maybe little surprised by my positive mood. 

"I hope I didn't interrupt you with Jules last night, I know you left together."

"Don't worry about that. Jules wasn't here." 

"Oh, did something happen?" 

I didn't feel like talking about it, just yet. Who really knows what happened between me and Jules that night. Did it mean we broke up? Or was it just some kind of pause? I not sure to this day. 

"Honestly, Lexi. I don't know what to tell you." 

"If you don't want to talk about it then don't. I am not gonna pry," she slipped bit closer, her hand massaging side of my arm. "Just know you can tell me anything."

"Sometimes you're way too nice to me Lexi," I leaned against her, facing Tv. "Jules left." 

"What? To where?"

"During the dance, I suggested we skip town, but I couldn't. Jules on the other hand," I drifted off, letting Lexi figure it out for herself. Strangest thing was that I couldn't even cry anymore. It was still so fucking sad, but more then anything, I was angry at myself for believing the euphoria would last forever. Now, I was even angry I was telling Lexi. I bet the last thing she wanted to hear is about my relationship which Jules, but I couldn't help it. She was by best-friend and I had no one else to talk to. 

"I'm glad you stayed," Lexi murmured, her hands playing with my hair. 

"Yeah, me too."

"Listen Rue. I have no idea how I got here yesterday, but I did want to talk to you about something."

Oh boy, here goes. I shallowed what felt like a rock, trying to quickly come up with some reasonable excuse. Thankfully, I didn't need to, because Cassie arrived just on time. She pressed the alarm like a madman, causing Lexi crouch down in pain. 

"Morning," girl walked in after I opened the door. "Well, hello you party animal." 

"Oh, god. What did I do last night?" Lexi groaned. 

"You tell me. Last time I saw you, you were stumbling away from our table, telling me you were gonna find someone to hook up with."

Lexi froze, her cheeks heating up like steaming kettle. Cassie quickly scanned me, before turning back to her sister, but didn't comment on it. I could see what she was thinking, but instead she said, "Let's go get your things. I think you need more sleep sunshine." 

Lexi walked off to my room leaving us alone. "So you two didn't actually.." she pointed all over my body. 

"No," I said as calmly as I could. "I found her drunk, that's it. How about your night?"

"Pretty boing," she shrugged. "Kat left with her new boytoy, Maddy got back to Nate and then even Lexi left me. So I just stole some more cake and got home."

Comparted to certain part of my night, I would prefer the cake. 

"Got it." Lexi finally joined us, carrying her dress with the rest. "I will return this to you as soon as I can."

"No, problem. Take the blanket too, it's cold outside." 

"Bye Rue," Cassie left first, waiting for Lexi in her car.

"Thank you for last night," Lexi hugged me lightly, yet I couldn't help but hold her there few extra seconds. "Also, if you need to talk to someone, just call okay." 

"I will." I nodded, watching her exit. "Lex! One more thing." It was funny, but I just remembered my promise. Without any explanation, I pulled Lexi closer, gently kissing her on top of a forehead. Her eyes widen and jaw lightly dropped. 

"What was that for?" 

"Just something, I forgot to do earlier." She didn't understand, but nether did she asked. With creeping smile she got into Cassie's car and drove away. 

Lexi and I actually chatted few hours after. I couldn't help but ask if she was doing okay, which she followed by asking about my plans for Christmas. I truly didn't have any. Tradition would repeat as any year, with me mom and Gia sitting around a tree, each sick from eating all the ginger bread. The same day I texted Jules. I couldn't stand not knowing if she was alright so I left her bunch of messages, which remained unread till the next morning. 


	3. Part 3

Jules > _"I'm fine. I'm staying with couple of friends till Christmas. Miss you."_  
  


Truth be told, I missed her too. Her laughter, soft skin and those beautiful blonde hair. I couldn't stop wondering what she was doing. Was she staying with Ana? Did they sleep together when she arrived? Was Jules happier there? Despite the need to know, I didn't ask. Struggling with made up lies was probably better then knowing the truth. And that's what I did over Christmas. Jules was coming on Christmas Eve, but I didn't feel like seeing her just yet. Maybe because, I feared the conversation we would have, or maybe because I knew I would just apologize and beg her to love me again. Alcohol, fentanyl or Jules, Ali was right, in a way, they were all the same. 

When the day of her arrival rolled around, I texted Jules I caught fever on my way from the station. All that just to keep her away for little longer.

Earlier that morning, I dragged myself from bed, heading over to Jules. Her train would arriver later that afternoon, so there was still time to avoid her. I dropped off her gift, pretending to cough and looks miserable in front of her dad. It was nothing but a simple backpack, she was eyeing for a while. It cost me fucking fortune, but what can I say, I would fucking kill if she asked me. Afterwards, I went back home, pretending everything was fine. Thankfully my mom and Gia didn't ask about her, and if they did, I just lied about it. All the anxiety and misery was burred under piles of cookies and food I ate over Christmas, waiting to be unleashed. 

I didn't expect any disturbances, or visits, enjoying time in front of TV, until someone came knocking. 

"Merry Christmas Rue," Lexi stood in front of me, squeezing small box. 

"Oh, hi, Lexi." I leaned against the door. "What brings you over?"

"I wanted to drop off your present and those clothes I borrowed" she said nervously. "Anyway, I am sure you're busy with your family, so here."

"Present? Then come on in, I might as well give you yours. Plus, Gia's out with some friends and mom had to pop into work." 

From her smile, I assumed she didn't expect me to buy her anything, just like I didn't last year, or year before that. I showed Lexi inside, quickly running to my room to find it. I didn't have time to pack it yet, but with my skill it was probably for the best. 

"Merry Christmas Lexi," I handed her bunch of small boxes. "For this year and all those I missed." Without a word, Lexi put them aside pressing herself into my embrace. From her uneven breathing, I knew she was fighting off tears, so I squeezed her just a bit tighter until she calm down. 

Taking our time, we both started unpacking. As for Lexi, I got her bunch of hair accessories. From pins and clips to hairbands and bows. I found then one night while browsing net with Gia. Some where childish with ladybugs or flowers, other simple. Few were even quite fancy in golden colors. Safe to say, after this Christmas I was completely broke. 

I knew Lexi didn't go all out with make up, like her sister or Maddy. Nether did she experiment with with crazy clothing styles and accessories. However, she always had something in her hair, whether it was clip or hairband. Maybe that's what I liked about Lexi the most; her persistence. While everyone tried to find themselves or simply to please someone, Lexi knew who she was. She had her own mind and didn't care what anyone thought. At least that's how I saw her.

"Thank you Rue," she said after examining each peace. "I love them." 

As for me, I was bit surprised Lexi got me a neckless. I didn't normally wear lot of jewelry, aside from few rings. But after closer look, I begun to love it. It was gentle golden chain with locket in shape of globe and once I opened it, I found a tiny picture locked inside; of my mom, Gia and my dad. It was old photo taken before his illness, when life was simple. I wondered how she got it, but I guess that wasn't important. I felt single tear rolling down my cheek as I ran my finger along the picture. 

"Do you like it?" 

"I love it," I smiled, pulling Lexi into another hug. She smelled like cinnamon cookies, which made me wonder what her and Cass baked this Christmas. I knew both of them were quite found of this festive season. With my mom and her organic cooking my cookie intake was pretty limited and more then once I found myself stealing from the cookie jar. Maybe I should go for a visit. 

"You can add another photo inside if you want," she said after I let go of her and locked in around my neck.

"I will, thanks Lexi. Anyway, would you like to watch a movie with me? Christmas Carol is on." 

"Sure, I would love to."

"Cool, I am gonna make us some tea while it starts. Is fruit mix okay?"

"Yeah, I am fine with whatever," she leaned back into the couch, carefully checking each hair clip there was.

"Hey! Which one is your favorite," she asked, once I came back with two steaming cups. 

"Mine? I would say the bees." I pointed on two golden bee pins. "They are fitting for you."

"Bees, really?" She rose her brows, assuming I was joking. 

"Yup," I picked one up, carefully locking Lexi's hair. "They're hard working and consistent and although many underestimate their presence, they make everything beautiful. Plus we would be fucking dead without them." Lexi shyly smiled, letting me finish her hair without a word. 

Nether of us payed much attention to the movie, maybe because we all seen it like hounded times. Lexi was first to break the silence asking about my holiday with mom and Gia, while filling me on details of hers. We switched between few topics without realizing it was already dark out. 

"Anyway, are you still going to the NA meetings?"

"Yup."

"Is it like helping?" 

"I guess. I actually made a friend there. He helped."

"I am glad. I just wish I could have done more," she murmured. 

"You helped plenty. You might not remember it, but after the dance, I was in pretty shitty place, if not for you I don't know what I would've done." I assured her, leaning against her shoulder. It was truly hard to imagine. If anything, Lexi definitely saved my family's Christmas. "Honesty, I am glad you kept your distance. I was a dick back then and I would've ruined any chance of us being friends again."

"Have you talk to Jules, yet?"

"Texts only," I sighed. "Can we not talk about her?' Well, there was a sentence I didn't think I'll ever say and Lexi was just as surprised as I was. "How are you and Cassie doing? I heard she broke up with McKay."

"She's doing better. Christmas cooking definitely helped." Lexi kept talking for a while, yet her voice was dropping on volume until she drifted to sleep. I didn't notice at first, assuming she was interested into the movie, but once I asked another question, I was left without an answer. She looked peaceful, leaning against me with the new clip keeping hair form her face. By this point I was watching her more then Tv. _Talk about fucking creepy_. 

If I didn't need to pee so badly, I was sure I would be able to sit there for days. However, ruining the moment with another kidney infection sounded like a terrible idea, so after a while, I really needed to stand up. I gently placed Lexi on couch, making sure not to wake her up. 

Just as I came back, mom entered the front door. Before she could say anything, I placed my index finger in front of my lips, nodding towards sleeping Lexi.

"Hi," she whispered, one of her brows rising in question. "Is Lexi staying for dinner?" 

Only then I realized it was getting pretty late and streets were already dark. I sat on a ground, next to the couch, watching Lexi's chest slowly rise with each breath. Gently I stoke her hand, whispering, "Hey, Howard? Would you like to sleep over?" 

"Sounds good, Bennet" she only muttered, unable to wake herself up. However, once she realized she wasn't home, her eyes shot open. 

"Good, cause mom's making dinner." 

"I should probably text mine. Actually, I need to wake up early tomorrow. I promised Cassie I would go to the doctors with her, so maybe I should head home," she said bit uncomfortably. 

"Doctor? Now, right after Christmas?" mom said from the kitchen.

She stood still for a while, as if she didn't know what to say. "Yeah, it's just some check up, or something." 

"I am fine with waking up early. There is another NAM after Christmas, I want to attend, but it's your choice."

"Oh okay then. I will text Cassie, I will see her in a morning." Her lips turned to satisficed smile as she picked up her phone. Gia came home little after dinner, with suspicious smile on her face.

"Someone seems happy," I teased. Lexi and I were back on a couch completely ignoring yet another movie. By now, I was able to put every single pin and clip into Lexi's hair, while she struggled to contain her laugher. Not that my hair was any better. We both looked fucking comical and I loved it.

"I was out with friends, so what?"

"Those "friends" must be really funny then," Lexi joined me. 

"Oh haha, I am going to my room. You two weirdos enjoy whatever you're doing."

"We should probably hit the bed too." 

"Mind if I use those clothes again?" 

One by one we switched in bathroom, whishing everyone goodnight. My mom was stuck with bills again and by look on her face, I knew it wasn't good. Christmas season was always harsh, but I guess I've never payed much attention to it, until now. 

"Fuck, your feet are cold," I screamed as I slipped under the sheets. My bed wasn't really made to fit two people so occasional touching was expected. 

Lexi only smirked at my concern for her well being and ran her cold foot up against my calf. 

"Jesus Lexi" I cursed again, pulling cover off Lexi and quickly wrapping myself in it. 

"No fair," a small jest ended up in five minute pillow war, until I gave up. My lunge capacity was no match for Lexi and her healthy lifestyle. We slipped back under the covers, facing each other. By then I was half asleep from exhaustion, while Lexi continued to giggle. I don't even remember when I fell asleep that night, but it was one of the most peaceful night I had in a while. Well, until five in a morning, when I received direct kick from Lexi. I don't know who she was fighting in her dream, but I definitely didn't envy them. 

There was no NAM meeting in the morning. I lied. 

But, before you saying anything, I was meeting Ali for brunch. Everything he said so far was nothing but fucking truth, so I figured, I might as well seek some guidance from him. I messaged him a while back and told him about Jules. Although he might have some advice I am not gonna like, I was actually looking forward to it. I walked Lexi all the way to her house, just to kill some time since I was already awake and then headed to order some fucking pancakes. 

"Rue," he announced himself, taking a seat in front of me. "Merry Christmas." 

"To you too," I said, squeezing legs closer to my torso. "If you're looking for good time to say _I told you so_ , this is it."

"That's not why I came here. So, you wanna tell me what's going on with you? Are you okay?" he got straight to the point.

"Define okay," I joked. "I'm still clean, if you're wondering, but not by my doing." 

"How so?"

"I was so fucking close, like I had them in hand, but then friend showed up and they kinda slipped into the toilet. Don't ask how, it's a long story."

"Which friend? Jules?" 

"No," I sighed. "Her name's Lexi, we've known each other since pre-school."

"She came there to check on you?"

"Not really. She wanted to talk."

"About?"

"Is that really important?"

"I donno. Are things she wants to talk about important?" Here he was again, twisting my words. 

"She said she liked me like.. like more then friend. She was also hammered."

"Do you like her more then a friend?"

"Lexi? How the fuck am I suppose to know that, we weren't really that close after I started with drugs. Plus I've never looked at her that way."

"Why?"

"She's too good for me I guess."

"How did you decide on that?" I only dully started at him. "How did you decide Lexi was too good, but Jules wasn't?"

"I donno man," I struggled to even think about it. "Look, me and Lexi known each other since like forever and she's very sweet and most caring fucking person. But like, I always saw her as this like fucking princess that deserves nothing less then prince fucking Charming." 

"And Jules?" 

"I've met Jules at a party while I was high and she was a bit drunk, okay" I confessed. "She was like this wild card and we clicked. With her I felt this connection that we could be forever. Feels like I was just imagining it."

"So what changed?" 

"Guess, I just stopped catching up to her. Sometimes I didn't understand what she was doing or saying," I said, my lips trembling. "And I realized I wasn't the person she would tell everything to. I got the feeling she begun to avoid me and then she disappeared into a city. Next thing I know, she came back like whole different fucking person."

"Did something happen in the city?"

"You bet something fucking happened." I said with bits of anger. "She hooked up with Ana."

"And who's that?"

"I have no fucking clue, but guess what! She's all I fucking hear about." 

"So then what ?"

I sighed not happy to retell this part of the story. "I suggested we leave town and she agreed. I don't know why I did that. It was stupid and .."

"Where you afraid she might replace you? From what I gathered, Jules is this dynamic person who is contently changing. You said she experience with make-up and clothing, right? Well now, it people. She's like this newborn that wasn't to touch, eat and feel everything there is." 

"Your point?"

"You said to me that if Jules decided to go to New York, you wouldn't hesitate to go with her, but now you couldn't even leave the suburbs."

"Yeah, cause I am fucking mental."

"No," he said harshly. "Cause you're not that kind of person anymore. You might have given up on yourself, but you care about other people. Your sister, mom, Lexi and Jules," he smiled. "If you imagine life with Jules now, how does it make you feel?"

"Nervous," I said as a first thing that came to mind. "Unpredictable. I donno overwhelming." 

"Why?"

"Man, I came here looking for some answers, not to get confused by more question." I said with a smirk.

"I am not gonna give you answers you want, but I can help you figure them out, so now, back to the question. Why?"

"I guess, I always thought it's gonna be two of us against the world, but with Jules, it's always going to be someone or something new and I fell like keeping up with that might destroy me."

"Now, if you imagine life with someone else, like your friend Lexi, how does that make you feel?"

"What? I told you, me and Lexi... it's complicated." I signed, but after I realized Ali wouldn't budge, I continued. "Fine." I closed my eyes for a second, thinking. Endless minute passed and I still didn't say a word. I had a breath idea, but I didn't want to think about. 

"First thing that comes to mind, say it."

"Peaceful," I murmured, scared to even open my eyes. " Free, like I would have someone I can rely on one hounded percent."

"Now, which one would you choose?"

"Do you really need to ask that?"

"Yes! So which one Rue?" I couldn't bring myself to answer. It's been another minute or so and my breath only quickened. "See, even when you're left with obvious chose, you're still stumbling towards the most harmful option. I am not gonna tell you what to say or do next, but I want you to think about all the options there are?"

"What if I fall into it again? Drugs?" I let out a long sigh. "Without Jules, what's there to stop me."

"Yourself. Your love for your family and friends. Hope that there is something else waiting for you," Ali listed, squeezing my hand on top of a table. "Find yourself distraction. Give your attention to those who deserve it, find a job or something."

"Job? Really."

"Yeah, actually here," he passed me a card. "I thought you might flourish in there."

"A flower shop? What is this place?" I didn't recognize the address.

"It's where I work." He said with a smile. "It's a fine place, in good environment. Just think about it."

"Man, I know zero things about flowers, plus I still have school to finish."

"It's only the weekends and you don't need to know anything." He rose his brow. "The pay is good too."

Well, if there was one thing to persuade me, it was promise of money. Ali left soon after, he even payed for my pancakes which I was eternally grateful for. However, our previous conversation was still lingering around my mind. I felt like I had more questions and zero answers, and I was to meet Jules in one hour. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to add Lexi pov at the end, just to see how it turns out (but it's gonna be told by Rue, just like in the show, so sorry for any confusion)

Greeted with a intoxicated kisses and now I was sitting in her room for good three hours, listening about people I didn't know.  
Or that is how I would summarize my meeting with Jules. I could barely get a word in, since I was still dazed by the kiss and Jules was on a roll with her stories from the city. Suddenly like my whole conversation with Ali disappeared and I was sucked into World Of Jules. And although I was feeling sick to my stomach all I could do was positively nod and respond 'cool' way to many times.  
I was glad when I finally got out, taking my fist long breath.

"That went fucking well," I murmured to myself, pressing hands deeper into my joggers.  
As for our Christmas presents, Jules was head over heels with the backpack I got her. She kissed me so many times I forgot the count and she got me two of my favorite band shirt, which I frankly loved.

"Hey mom? I am home."  
There was no response. "Mom?" Peaking into her room, she was spread on her table, drooling on some papers. "Mom? Hey, let's get you to bed."  
"Rue? Oh Jesus, I must have dozed off."  
"Is everything alright?" I checked over the papers, knowing she's been running thru them for a few days now.  
"I'm afraid we're bit tight this month, I am sorry, but I will have to cut something from your pocket money."  
"Oh," Was all I managed to say. At that moment my fingers found their way into my pockets, feeling the hard paper inside. "Actually mom, I got a job offer for weekends ."  
"Job? From who?"  
"Ali, the guy I introduced you to in NA meetings."  
"Oh, well honey that's sweet of you to offer to help, but you don't really need to. It's gonna be alright."  
"I know, but it might be good for me," I said more as a question then statement.  
"Well, if you think you can manage it with school, then I am not gonna stop you. What kind of job is it?"  
"Something with flowers." I shrugged.  
She only rose her brow, but didn't comment on it.  
In all honesty, I wasn't really keen on taking the job, but after three hours with Jules, it seemed like perfect way to cut our time short. At least until, I would find a way to tell her how I feel.

Holiday season passed relatively quickly. It didn't go without occasional breakdowns in my room and constant self doubt. More then twenty times I stepped outside, thinking I would ask Fez for joint or two. Before you judge me, well maybe you should. I knew what I needed to do and I had the whole damn conversation prepared in my head, but when it was time to see Jules, my thoughts got scrambled and all I could do was nod and smile. It was one constant roller-coaster of emotions starting from nervousness, quickly turning to pure happiness and finishing with good old self-hatred. _"And then people ask me why I don't like carnival rides, like this shit wasn't scary enough for them."_

"Hey, Rue? You want to join or not?" 

Shit! I almost forgot school started. I lost track of Jules after class and now I was standing in middle of cafeteria. Thank fucking god, Lexi was here. She was sitting alone, eating homemade sandwich, which by the way looked better then any you will ever buy. 

"Are you okay?" she tried to catch my attention, although my eyes were searching all over the place. 

"Yeah, sorry. I am out of it today." 

"Are you not heaving lunch, or are you waiting for someone?"

"No," I answered to both questions. "Honestly, cafeteria food is last thing I want to see today."

"Well, how about a sandwich instead?" 

"Nah, you don't have to.."

"I insist," she pushed her lunch-box loser to me, waiting until I picked one of the sandwiches. 

"Thanks Lexi," I murmured, taking a bite. Although I wasn't even that hungry, these sandwiches were good. Like fuck I want another five, good. "So, how was your first day in school?" 

"Pretty normal so far. Anyway, I was meaning to ask, would you like to..."

"There you are!" another female voice interrupted her midway.

"Oh, hi, Jules," Lexi said, her eyes dropping back to the table. 

"Hi, you two. Come on Rue, Kat's waiting on us at the table."

"What, why? And why can't she just come here sit with us?"

"She's already sitting there with Ethan, so come on," Jules offered me a hand to stand up and ran towards different table. 

"Will you come with?" I turned back towards Lexi, who no longer pretended to pay attention.

"I think I am just going to finish this and head to class early."

"Oh. Well, see you around I guess," I waved her goodbye, sluggishly traveling across the cafeteria. The table was already buzzing with Jules's and Kat's laughter. As soon as I sat down, Jules kicked her legs across my lap, making me jump at sudden touch.

Jules barely flinched, continuing in her previous conversation as normal, while I struggled to keep breathing. After a while, my eyes begun to wonder about the room. There was Nate and his team, being rowdy as ever, another table full of nerds who continued with their math homework and in a distance was Lexi. She wasn't sitting alone, but didn't interact with people. She was about to finish her second and last sandwich, completely oblivion to chaos going around the room.

To me, her table looked quite and peaceful, while mine only gained on occupants. Soon, Maddy and BB joined once they realized Jules and Kat were discussing fashion. I was still locked in place by Jules's long legs and rather heavy boots. Once Lexi left, my mind drifted back to my table, since there was nothing interesting to look at. Not that I was creepily staring at her. NO. Just observing with great envy. 

For following few days, my observation of time sorta merged together, since it was all a big loop. As I learned somewhere in middle of the week, annual New Years football game was held on Saturday, followed up by huge party. Both events sounded like a drag, especially since I was starting my first day at work.

Ali already texted me some detail and was expecting to see me before six in the morning, which was the most annoying fucking thing. Considering the shop wasn't exactly close, I didn't even dare to guess time I would have to get up. Like was there even a point in sleeping? With growing anxiety, I had to google the address wondering what kind of place it truly was. Calling it flower shop would be understatement. In fact, it was one of the bigger buildings around, usually for used for delivering flowers for different events. Weddings, funerals, you name it. It had a small shop at front, but I didn't think that's what Ali had in mind for me.

I didn't tell anyone, aside from my mom. The weirdest thing was that I felt bad about it. I lied to Jules, telling her that I was going to help out friend from NA. And it was eating me from inside. Ever since she came back from the city, we were spending unbelievable amounts of hours together. Being this the case few months ago, I would be jumping ten meters high, but now I was suffocating. That's exactly why I took the job offer in first place. I needed space to breath and think. On Friday, work was all I could think about. 

"Hey, so you're going to after-party on Saturday?"

"Wait, what?" I watched Lexi approach my desk, but didn't hear a word. I immediately recognized the pins in her hair, which was probably the only thing that made me smile that day. I haven't really put down her necklet ether. I had it every single day, not that anyone noticed since it was mostly under my shirt.

"Party? On Saturday. You plan on going?"

"Yeah, I don't know," I sighed. Me and Jules didn't talk about going, but I was sure she wanted to. "What about you?"

"I haven't decided ether. I will probably go check on Cassie during the game, but I don't feel like drinking any time soon. Or I might come falling thru your window again." 

"Honestly I wouldn't even mind," I said under my breath, although by Lexi's blush it was obvious she heard me. "Well, do you want to go together? To the game I mean."

"You want to go to the game? Really?" 

"Sure," I shrugged.

"Okay. Cool. I guess we will go...together."

"Then, I will text you when I get there, sound good?" I said, dismissing her rosy cheeks. She only nodded and with eyes pinned to her feet, she went to find a seat. 

I didn't really see Jules that day. She went home right after school, since her dad was taking her for some fancy dinner. I texted her I had work thing on Saturday and Sunday so I probably wouldn't see her. I didn't received text back, but I just assumed she was busy with dad. _(Or texting Ana)_

I also texted Lexi, who had no problem answering. 

Rue: s _ooo, who are we cheering for tomorrow??_

Lexi: _:D :D :D Honestly, they can both loose for what I care. I am only going because of cheerleading team._

Rue: y _ou and all the teenage boys Howard!!! XP_

Rue: al _so this make things thousand times easier I was starting to think I might have to pretend happiness when our school scores_

Lexi: _Don't worry, I don't think anyone would notice if we booed all the time_

Lexi: _Anyway, I am going to hit the bed. Good night Rue. See you at the game._

Rue: _not if I see you first! ... \and good night, Lexi._

\-------- 

LEXI POV 

On the day of the game, Lexi was probably more anxious, then whole football team. Same wild smile was following her ever since she woke up. 

"This isn't a date is it? Rue is still with Jules?"

"Yes, they are together," she murmured. "And it's not a date."

"Okay if you say so. Anyway, I'm going to to the party afterwards, so I won't be able give you ride home. Are you sure you don't want to joins us?"

"I don't." she only smiled, concentrated on picking her clothes. "Plus, Rue's not going to the party ether, so we will probably walk home together."

"Uuu," Cassie hugged her shoulder from behind. "Rue's skipping party. Are you sure, it's not a date? "

"Shut up," she threw Cassie's arms down, pulling on badge coat over her turtleneck. While Cassie finished off her make-up, Lexi ran thru her growing collection of hair accessories. For today, she had her hair in low ponytail, tied by beige ribbon. 

The ride didn't take longer then ten minutes along with stops to pick up Maddy and BB, although parking took way too long for their liking. While Maddy kept jabbering swears on passing drivers, BB and Cassie hopelessly tried find free parking spot which they could actually fit into. Normally, Lexi would do her best to calm them down, before they'll hit someone, but instead her eyes searched around the area. Sadly, even after finding free spot, she didn't find what she was looking for. 

"Okay, we are going to get ready," Cassie waved Lexi goodbye. "Have a nice night."

"You too." 

She was left alone in a parking lot. Quickly pulling up her phone, she texted me, but with no respond. Her shoulders fell down and her foot kept clapping nervously as she tried to decide on what to do next. 


	5. Chapter 5

By the time I finished shower and dried my hair, game already started. I wondered if Lexi was there, waiting. But I wouldn't know, because my phone was fucking dead. 

"Jesus, fucking Christ! Jules what are you doing here?" I walked into my room, holding onto my towel for dear life. 

"Did I scare you?" she grinned like a child, grabbing me around my neck. "I texted you I will be here, so we could get ready for the party."

"What? No, I told you I have work thing tomorrow."

"Oh come on, don't be boring, Rue. It's been so long since we've been to a party," she pressed just a bit closer so our lips touched. The taste was intoxication as ever. 

"Are you drunk already?" I pulled back as soon as I recognized flavor of her lips. 

"What! It's cold outside," she shrugged her shoulders and caught my lips again.

 _"Maybe it wouldn't be so cold if you'd put reasonable amount of clothes on."_ But I best kept it for myself. Although, Jules managed to hold me in a kiss for another few seconds, I pushed pass her to find fresh clothes. 

"Please don't tell me that is what you're wearing?"

"Jules, please don't do this," I sighed, sitting on a bed. 

"Since when are you avoiding parties? Come with me, just for a little while." 

I didn't answer, cause the only thing I couldn't do was to say no to Jules. So I let her open up her bag with make-up and all the dresses she brought, while I picked up my phone, ready to text Lexi I wasn't coming. As soon as I unlocked the screen, I was greeted with four messages. One was from Jules, explaining me she was coming over and blah-blah-blah and the rest from Lexi.

Lexi: _"We're just leaving so text me if you need a ride. It's getting cold outside :D "_

Lexi: _"I just arrived and found free seats. Call me when you get here."_

Lexi: _"You still coming?"_

I stared at my phone, anger brewing in pit of my stomach. My hand started to curl in to fist, waiting for the phone to break.

_"Ali was right. When left with two choices, I pick wrong one."_

I unplugged the phone, pressing in into my pocket. "I have to go." I said in a hurry, grabbing my clothes.

"What? Where?"

"I am sorry, but I can't come to the party with you," I kissed Jules on a cheek. "I promised I will see Lexi at the game. So I have to go, cause I am fucking late."

"Are you serious right now? You're going to the football game? With Lexi?"

"Yeah." I nodded, unable to slower my heartbeat. "Have fun at the party and I will see you later, okay."

Jules only started back at me until I disappeared back into the bathroom.

By the time I got to the stadium, my lunges were burning with all the cold air I swallowed. I had to take a bus and then run for good ten minutes, struggling with icy roads. Cheers were coming form all sides and I knew the game must have been at least halfway done. I snatched two cups of hot coco along the way, just to bribe Lexi in case apology wouldn't work. 

Looking around the podium it wasn't hard to spot her. She was seated at the top, miles from everyone else, covered by large blanket. I knew, she would be fine sitting with everyone else, but she picked those seats so I wouldn't have to. She didn't notice me, paying close attention to the game while squeezing phone in her hand. 

"Hi," I announced myself in whisper. I didn't left the stairs, afraid to intrude into her space. 

"I thought you weren't coming." 

"I am sorry, but," I had so many excuses. Work, my phone, Jules, but I didn't feel like ruining the apology with any of them. "Just sorry, I am idiot."

"What is it you got here?" she nodded towards two cups, her hands crossed defensively.

"Hot chocolate."

"And marshmallows?"

"I asked for extra." 

"Hmm, okay," her frown turned to a wide smile in seconds. "You're forgiven. Come here," she patted the free seat, while unfolding her blanket. I scooched next to her, so we were both warm enough and focused my eyes on the field. 

"So, did I miss anything?" I leaned on her shoulder, so she would hear me thru the yelling.

"We're winning, just in case you are wondering and you missed the entrance performance."

"Well, let's not tell Cassie." Players of two different colors were running around and passing ball I could barely see. Most of the field was covered by light layer of snow, but no one seemed to mind. "Okay, you will have to explain to me what's going on there."

"Wait, you've never watched football game before?"

"Not sober, no." 

Lexi giggled, which felt like huge rock falling from my chest. She begun with the basics and although I wasn't all that unfamiliar with the game, I let her talk me thru it. Not ten minutes into watching a break begun and cheerleaders rushed to the field with another performance. I didn't envy the poor souls who had to dance in this weather, smiling like it was middle of the summer. While Lexi on the other hand was still shivering even under long tweed coat and blanket.

"Cassie's going to the party afterwards. Mind if I walk home with you?"

"Of course," I murmured, fully merged with the blanket. The sky was getting pretty dark by the end of the game and snow storm was only beginning. 

The blanket was slowly soaking with melting snow and more then once I saw Lexi blowing hot air into her hands. 

"Want to ditch this play and go get some hot... fries?"

"Rue? Can you even name one healthy meal?"

"Salad?"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine. Let's got get some food."

So we didn't get fries on a way as I originally planned, but Lexi actually proposed to stop by for actual meal. It wasn't my usual pick, but I think Lexi had all right to pick whatever she wanted. 

"You here often often?" I looked around the menu board, completely lost in options. 

"Not as much as I would like to. So did you decided on what you want to get?"

"I am leaving it up to you. You pick, I pay." 

"What? No," she cross her arms over her chest. 

"It was my idea to get food, so it's my treat, no arguing," I turned Lexi back to the board, keeping my hands on her shoulders so she couldn't turn away.

"I hate you."

"That's just your hunger talking," I whispered back to her while she talked to the waitress. I couldn't help but notice the red glow on her ears as my breath landed on her earlobe. It was best not to comment on it, but I couldn't help but grin all the way to the booth. 

"This is not so bad," I said after tasting the food, surprised it wasn't just regular soup. 

"Well, you can't complain ether way, cause you didn't want to pick on your own," she shrugged. Unlike me, Lexi was professional with chopsticks, but at least I didn't fail to amuse her.

"I am sorry about today." I said again, when short silence overtook our table.

"You don't have to be. I mean, there is nothing to be sorry about." 

"No, there is," I leaned back into the seat. "It was my fault I was late and I had no good fucking reason for it."

"Well, you came, so it's all good. I had a good time with you today."

"Me too."

"Sorry if this is non of my business, but are you and Jules okay?" she paused, rethinking the question.

I didn't know what to answer ether. I was bit struck with the question, struggling to even exhale properly.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"I honestly don't know what's going on with us anymore," I murmured, feeling my heart-beat quicken and this shit was only about to get worse. 

"You're not planning to break.." a phone rang, cutting her off. "Sorry. It Cassie." I quickly excused myself while she was on a phone, running to a bathroom. I broke thru the door, scaring anyone inside. Thankfully I was alone. It got only worse once I saw myself in a mirror. My eyes were already flooded with tears and my breath was stuck so deep in my throat I could pass as a corpse.

Although Lexi didn't finish her sentence, I guessed the rest. And as you may have already figured out, I was freaking out. The thought crossed my mind more then once, but I've never said it outload, or considered it as possibility. Just to think it was an option scared the shit out of me. I collapsed at one of the stool, locking door behind me. 

Last time I cried like this was on my way from the station after the school dance. Once again, the roller-coaster hit the bottom. 

"Rue?" I heard bathroom door open. 

"Fuck! Not now, Lexi," I cried out, my voice breaking up with each word.

"Rue? Are you okay?" I heard her steps come closer. "Rue, can you open the door please?" she knocked, trying the handle second after. "Please, Rue! Talk to me?" her voice dimmed into the whisper. "Please, I don't want to loose you again." 

After the last sentence, my cry died down as if I forgot why I was crying in a first place. "What?" I quickly opened the door, scared Lexi would be gone. "What are you talking about?" 

"I shouldn't have said.." now she was the one watering eyes. 

"No, no, no. You've done nothing wrong, Lexi. Jesus you've never done anything wrong." I gently grabbed her wrist, worried she might run away. "I am the one who's fucked up, okay."

"Don't say that," she wrapped her hands around me, pulling me into a hug. I was a always a big hugger, especially as a child. I remember hugging Lexi every time we saw each other in pre-school, then when she came to visit and there were times I would hug her just because, while we watched TV or played outside. However, now it felt like I was hugging her only when I hit the bottom. Lexi on the other hand, wasn't all that affectionate. I mean, she's never refused a hug. After all, my hug were pretty fucking good. However, when it came to her, she would just stand by me all the time. She didn't hug me or sit way too close to me, but I still knew she was there. Seems like I was abusing that part of her for long fucking while.

"Are you okay?"

"I will be fine. Thanks Lexi." After a while, someone else entered the bathroom, unintentionally ruining the moment. Lexi let go of me as soon as she heard the door crack and pretended to fix her make up. "Well, since we have that embarrassing thing out of the way, what did Cassie want?"

"She said she changed her mind about the party. She sounded bit down, so I told her to come here. I hope you don't mind."

"No, it's fine," I dismissed her worry, sitting back into our booth. Cassie arrived five minutes after, heading straight to order. 

"Hi, Rue."

"Hey. How are you doing Cassie?" I didn't really need to ask. From her watered down make-up and tried tears and I could have guessed easily.

"Not great," she sat down next to Lexi.

"Did something happen?" Lexi hugged her around her shoulders. 

"Just the usual bullshit. I don't want to talk about it." Lexi and I shared a glance, although I was the only one clueless about the situation.

I had no idea what I signed up for that evening. Lexi went to grab her some wet tissues into her car to help with her ruined make-up, while we stayed alone. Leaving me alone with another unstable person was probably not the best idea. Cassie and I barely looked at each other, each bit uncomfortable with the situation. 

"Rue? You can keep a secret right?"

"Sure," I nodded. "I don't have much friends to gossip with, plus it's not like anybody would believe me."

"I was pregnant with McKay."

I didn't comment on it. Maybe because there was nothing to say. I only lifted my eyes to meet hers and for the first time since Lexi left, we were able to look at each other for longer then two seconds.

And so I joined the family trio on their little secret. I had no idea why Cassie decided to tell me of all people, but in the end I was glad she trusted me enough to tell me. For some reason, every time I got to hang out with Howard's sisters, I got the feeling I wasn't too far gone yet. After all, if Lexi, who is basically like an angel among our generation, likes me, that must mean I can't be such a fuck-up I thought I was.

"So, why did you skip the party, Rue?" Cassie asked after she explained me her situation. 

"Well, since we are telling secrets all of a sudden," I drew a long breath. "I have a job now."

Nether of them said anything at first. They shared a look, nether of them brave enough to believe me.

"What?" Cassie yelled out as first. 

"Yeah, it's just a weekend thing, so.."

"I don't fucking believe you," Cassie turned to her sister, asking for support in this. "Like, what do you do? Do you work for Fez or something?"

"No," I said immediately. Although Fez was one of my closest friends, I doubt he would offer me a job, after trying so fucking hard to keep me clean. "I work at Green Rose." I tired to hide the details, but by their growing smiles, I realized both girls were well aware of this place. 

"No, way. We use to go there all the time with dad," Lexi said at first, bumping into Cassie's shoulder to see if she remembered. 

"That place is amazing. We use to spend hours just walking around the warehouse and imagining how we would decorate our house will of the flowers," Cassie explained. "It was like Disney land for us."

I could picture it clearly. With Cassie posing for pictures which would get millions likes and Lexi just mindlessly walking around, her flower dress matching to those she's admiring. It was all I wanted to see.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little shorter cause I am still little rusty after longer break.

Friday, February 5th. Lexi's house. 

"So are you finally going to tell me, with who you wanted to hook up and why for some reason you ended up at Rue's?"

"It's been weeks Cassie! Can't you just let it go? Please?" Lexi was lying on her bed, same as her sister. It was the end of the week and weather outside was still unwelcoming, so everyone with right state of mind was locking themselves inside.  
"Weeks and you still haven't told me what happened?"  
"I was drunk, okay," Lexi rolled her eyes what felt like hounded time today. "I don't remember much."  
"I heard that part." Cassie was persistent, just like any other day, she got nothing better to do. Ever since she forsaken dating anyone, she lived off drama around her. Sadly, Lexi wasn't very sharing.   
"I don't know. I chickened out, just like always and I was sleepy, so I stopped by Rue's. Honestly, I think you're doing this just to torment me." Just like any other day, all Lexi had to do was lie and lie until Cassie finally dropped the topic. Truth was, she knew exactly why she came over all those nights ago and what's more, non of us knew she remembered the whole night. The downfall thru my window, the throwing up in my bathroom and also her confession. Memories were bit hazy and scattered in time, but she knew. She knew what she told me and she also remembered how I reacted. She hated the fact I've never brought it up. Telling me again, this time sober, was unimaginable task for her, especially when she knew the unwanted result. 

"Since we're mentioning Rue. Do you think we should visit her to work this weekend?"  
"I don't know, she might be busy."  
"But, I want to see the shop again," Cassie whined. "Come on, it's going to be nice surprise."  
After the game night, Lexi and me were spending lot of our time together. We went skating again, Lexi visited me for some movie nights and so on. Both of us felt like we were living in the good old day.

On Friday night, Lexi could barely close her eyes. The fact she didn't inform me of their visit, was bugging her. She couldn't help but wonder if Jules was also visiting me on weekends, or if I'm even allowed to chat during work. All she wanted to do was text me, just to see my reaction. In the end, she decided against it and fell asleep with phone still in hand. So in the morning, all I got was a weird text with no sense what so ever. 

Lexi and Cassie headed out near the closing hours. Lexi insisted on it actually, saying Cassie could drive me home. The shop itself wasn't much different from what they remembered. It had a small shop in front, usually serving customers who just needed a nice bouquet for birthdays or to apologize their loved once for being a dick. There was also a side entrance to bigger warehouse. Piles and piles of flowerers were stocked on top of each other from house plants to freshly cut flowers to even few small trees. Howard's girls loved this place, not only because they had some of the best memories of their dad here, but because both of them loved imagining how they would decorate their future houses and weddings. Walking around the shop filled them with memories and both girls were smiling ear to ear before they even found me. Cassie had somewhat lighter attire, dressed in blue turtleneck and puffer jacket which was barely reaching to her waist. On the other hand, Lexi was coved in long, green coat and most of her face was hiding under a scarf. 

In time of their arrival, I was in back, replanting few house plants who were already growing out of their pots. During the month I worked here, I was usually assigned with Ali and helped him with deliveries. We would drive around the city and visit different venues, or delivering large house plants to fancy houses. It was nice. However, when he had weekends off, I was stuck in a back, usually cutting fresh flowers, watering or replanting. 

Today, I got not a one but two special visits. The first one arrived around thirty minutes before Lexi and Cassie. It was Fez, checking up on me. Apparently he had some business in town and stopped by, which was exactly what I needed. Closely after, another two familiar faces emerged, grinning like they entered cocaine factory instead. 

"Well shit, if it isn't a Howard's sisters," Fez announced them, making me turn on my heels. 

"Hi," Lexi waved shily, staying few feet away. 

"Surprise bitches," Cassie on the other hand didn't hold her voice down. "I thought we could distract you from work, but I see Fez already beat us to it," she pointed on a man sitting on top of the workbench. 

"He's just a moral support to get me thru this," I tilted my head on the empty pots and put down my dirt covered gloves. "Anyway what bring you here, apart from seeing me of course."

"Just good old trip down memory lane," Cassie explained looking around. "Plus, due to constant snow storms, there is nothing better to do."

"I see that," I stepped closer to Lexi, swiping off the layer of snow on her shoulders. "You look like a snowman." After the snow was dusted off, I pulled her into hug feeling her stiff muscles relax. Cassie quickly skipped over, getting one for herself, although hers was much lighter and quicker. 

"You girls should go see the palm aisle, it's tripping." Fez suggested. "Man it's like you're taking a walk in tropical island."

"It might help you warm up," I squeezed Lexi's blue hand.

"I am sold," Cassie nodded in a second, walking ahead with Fez.

"Can you come with us or do you have to finish this," Lexi stayed back, not letting go of my hand. 

"I can take a break. After all, I am almost finished for today." 

We walked passed huge plastic curtain, which lead to different section filled with exotic flowers and plants. Whole aisles were filled with several shades of green leaves, time to time occupied by vivid yellows or reds. The air was much warmer then in any other part of the warehouse, but also more humid.

"Okay, this is my favorite section," Cassie stated. "Fez, would you be so kind?" She passed him a phone, asking for a photo. Man only shrugged, waiting for her pose. 

"They are getting along just fine," Lexi commented, leading me to different aisle. 

"It's Fez, how can you not get along with him."

"I guess you are right," she murmured. "So, how are you?" She continued to walk few feet away from me, fiddling with her scarf. 

"Fine?" I said with a question mark. "What's up, you seem uneasy." 

"Nothing," she said way to quickly. "Sorry, just bit tired."

"So that's why the weird text, hah?"

"What weird text?" Lexi quickly pulled out her phone. It was a mash of emojis and some random words, with little to no sense. "Sorry, I fell asleep with phone in my hand."

"Did you want to chat or something?" She only shook her head, eyes looking forward. "Well, anyway," I tried to catch up to her. "What are you planning on Valentine's day?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. You see anyone else around here?"

"I just," she sighed. "Nothing. I will probably say home with Cassie and watch some cheesy moves. And you?" The last words came out in dreadful whisper. I could only imagine the last thing she wanted to hear was my Valentine plans with Jules. Thankfully there weren't any.

"I am going to the Zoo with Fez. Apparently they have some baby penguins." She stood back for a second, watching me round the corner of the aisle. "What?"

"You are spending your time with Fez? Why?" she tried to sound casual.

"Why not. He wanted to see them and I got nothing better to do."

"But like aren't you and Jules together?"

"She's out of town, so.." I trailed off, looking down on plants. "It's cool. I actually haven't been to Zoo for years now."

She only looked at me, her eyes wide, trying to comprehend what I told her. "Now that you mention it me nether."

"What to come with?" I lifted me eyes of the ground along with my brows. "I mean, you can always watch those cheesy movies after."

"Well.. I guess I could, but I don't want to leave Cassie by herself."

"She can always come with us," I suggested. "The more the merrier as they say."

"I will definitely ask her then." Her eyes brighten up and we slowly proceeded back to my workbench. Once the closing hour came upon us, Cassie and Lexi offered me a drive home since Fez still needed some things from town. Apparently after the unfortunate raid, he was setting up some security system. The death of one unfamiliar doctor who turned out to be local drug dealer was in the news for weeks now and although Fez's never said anything, I already guessed. Ever since then, he was little more nervous then usual and what was even more alarming, he was little more sober then usual. 

I didn't judge him for it. I mean, I was the whole reason he was in that mess in a first place, so if anything, I needed to stand by him. Or maybe I was being selfish and needed him to stand by me right now. 

Ever since this Wednesday, I could feel my chest aching with every breath I take. Because, ever since that Wednesday, Jules and I were no more. I came over to hang out at one night, feeling with little bit of luck our relationship could repair in time, completely oblivious to the fact, it was never good to begin with. Happy as I could be I brought up Valentine's day. Bravely I presented some of my brilliant ideas, only to find out some plans were already made and were missing one little detail. Yeah, it was me.

When Jules stopped me half-way only to tell me Anna bought them some tickets for concert playing on Valentine's day, I mean how fucking convenient, I swear I saw flash of fireworks in her eyes as she continued to jump up and down on her bed. It was obvious she wouldn't miss the opportunity to go, so I didn't even dare to ask. However, when she offered me, that we could reschedule and still have some pity Valentine's date, I swear I heard my heart break in half. It was enough for me to finally snap and storm out, with clear statement of us being done. She tried to call me, text me and even came to my house couple of times, but so far I was resisting her charms although it hurt like bitch. I didn't tell anyone aside Fez, but I was sure the silence wouldn't last long. Looking back, I think I did us both a favor. 


End file.
